Chapter 2: The Lowest of Lows

Hi friends! I know a lot of people, myself included, are struggling right now in different degrees and for I’m sure many different reasons. Life is tough, but then add in a pandemic and everything else going on this season, and it can just feel like too much sometimes.

The biggest purpose I had in writing my book was to help others feel less alone. I thought it could be useful to share Chapter 2 of my book, all about my own deep depression, in a blog post for anyone to read. I share about one of the lowest points in my life that actually happened earlier this year. At the bottom of the blog post I have a couple resources for you.

If you want to read how I’m specifically managing my mental health during the pandemic, you can read my article on Medium about that: “I’ll Be Eating Frozen TV Dinners for Thanksgiving, and I’m Genuinely So Grateful.

I hope this helps. And lastly, I’ll leave you with a thought I originally heard from Natalie Norton: Pain is a tunnel, not a cave. Just keep going. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

“…we are not cast off; nevertheless, we have been driven out of  the land of our inheritance; but we have been led to a better  land…” 2 Nephi 10:20 

While I’m still very glad that I moved into my own place, moving to a city without knowing anyone prior—and living  alone—was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I honestly thought I’d be okay. I had moved before. I moved to Provo, Utah when I was 19, and then served a mission in Kentucky  and Tennessee when I was 22. But only later did I realize the  one thing I still had during those big moves: community. 

I still had extended family near Provo, roommates in Provo, and companions during my mission. When I moved to  Cedar City, I knew absolutely no one. And try as I might, I just  couldn’t find my community. I went to church and everyone  was very friendly, but I knew it would take a while to click with  anyone there—friendships often take a little while to develop. I met some great people through my job, but those meetings were brief, infrequent, and within a business setting. At the  end of the day, I’d still walk into a quiet, empty house and be  absolutely alone. 

It was crushing. 

It was so hard facing so many new things all at once:  within a week, I moved into my new house, started my new job, and began the online MBA program. I moved in on January 8. I cried every day for at least a month. 

As I entered February, the loneliness felt increasingly heavier. For the first time in my life, I began experiencing suicidal thoughts—though I don’t think I had any intention to act on them. But the thoughts were there, and they terrified  me. I cried harder, wishing someone were there. Not just over the phone or video chat, but HERE, physically beside me. 

I want to describe the pain, but I don’t know if I can. It felt like my whole soul was being crushed. I wanted to disappear. Each day felt so long, and I couldn’t imagine starting a new day all over again. I prayed that a loved one would come visit, but no one did. I asked perhaps three different people if they could come visit me, but I don’t think they realized the extent of my  depression. I don’t think they realized how overwhelming the  darkness was. 

While relief didn’t come in the ways I asked for, I was grateful for the quiet reminders that God was still there. One afternoon, as I collapsed onto my bedroom floor in tears, I had the thought to look at my “Come, Follow Me” manual. That week the curriculum centered around 2 Nephi 6- 10 in the Book of Mormon. A particular heading in the manual  stood out to me: Because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, I can “cheer up” my heart. It referenced 2 Nephi 10:20 in the section.  I had the thought to look up that scripture.

At this point in the Book of  Mormon, the prophet Jacob is testifying to the people. He shares about the journey that his family had taken to the Promised Land, following revelation and not always knowing  where they were headed—which suddenly felt very familiar to me. Jacob said: 

And now, my beloved brethren, seeing that our merciful  God has given us so great knowledge concerning these things, let us remember him, and lay aside our sins, and  not hang down our heads, for we are not cast off;  nevertheless, we have been driven out of the land of our  inheritance; but we have been led to a better land… (emphasis added) 

I was not cast off. I had been led to a better land, even  though I couldn’t see it at the time. Even though I was still in  the deep end of depression and loneliness, this scripture  reminded me that God had a purpose for me in Cedar City. Logically, I knew that. 

Emotionally and mentally, though, I very quickly fell back into the deep end. 

I still wanted to die. Honestly, the biggest reason I didn’t end my life was because of my student loan debt, as silly as that sounds. I had never had this kind of debt before—I’m so grateful that my parents paid for my undergraduate degree,  but I was determined to do my graduate studies on my own. I didn’t want to put this debt on them. Also, what parent wants thousands of dollars of debt from an MBA program that their kid wasn’t even in for two weeks? Not to mention the stress of  dealing with the house I had just signed a year lease on. 

But really, the main thought in my mind was that student loan debt. And thank goodness for that. 

I had met a handful of people in my neighborhood at that  point, but no one I felt particularly close to. Still, on a very dark Monday night, I kept thinking that I should reach out to Linda, my new Relief Society President. Feeling like I had very little to lose at that point, I texted Linda, simply asking if she was there.  It was all I could say. 

Within minutes, she responded. I simply asked for a hug  and she gladly and eagerly agreed.

A few minutes later, Linda and another neighbor, Heidi, appeared at my front door. As soon as they walked in, they  hugged me. That was the first physical contact I had had with anyone in days. We sat in my living room and just talked—not necessarily about how sad I was, but just about life, and getting  to know one another. I finally stopped crying. 

Heidi’s husband came over a few minutes later to give me a priesthood blessing. The four of us continued to chat until everyone left. 

Two days later, Linda doorbell-ditched treats at my door.  A few days after that, she organized a group of women, most of  whom I had just met briefly before, to take me out to lunch for my birthday. I had been trying for weeks to feel okay and couldn’t for the life of me find my footing in this new place. It turns out, all I needed to do was find the right person to reach  out to. 

If someone seems to be struggling and asks you to come  visit, please do everything in your power to go be with them. Be that right person. 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 

1-800-273-TALK (8255) 

Crisis Text Line 

Text HOME to 741741 

More resources available at 

Not According to Plan is available on Amazon
(ebook for $2.99, paperback for $12.99)


My book, Not According to Plan: Becoming whole without a husband and other unexpected paths, will be released by October 20. It’ll be available on The book, in the LDS nonfiction genre, is about developing resilience and finding joy when life doesn’t look like we thought it would—and while this book is marketed toward LDS women, there may be some principles in here that a wider audience could relate to. *P.S. I also added in some stuff for unmarried LDS adults, because there just isn’t enough written from that perspective. So I’m lifting where I stand!

For the most up to date info, follow me on Instagram @lookslikewandering. Here are a couple of posts I wrote over the last few weeks to celebrate little milestones:

I started writing a book on March 8, after ignoring promptings to begin writing it for weeks prior. I finished the full draft of my book on Saturday, August 29 at 11:10pm and sent it off to two friends to edit. I took the second photo at 11:24pm, after working the last two evenings—including the last 4 continuous hours—to edit this draft. Those last two nights left me emotionally drained. There were tears. It feels heavy. I spent most of Sunday in bed and 90% of my meals were sugar-based. And then, the text from my editor Melissa

“So I totally read your whole book last night. 😱😱😱 ITS SOOOOOO GOOD!!!!! I planned to read a chapter or two in bed. Nope. Had to read it all! That opening. Man. Sooooo good! It’s so great.”

And it all feels worth it.

Cover photo and design by Maddison Weber

So much of this book came from spiritual promptings and impressions—from the initial idea, to the title, to certain chapters—and I dragged my feet through so much of it! 😅 Haha!

Despite my resistance, I couldn’t ignore it, even just for the fact that I’ve made it a life goal to never ignore anything that could be a spiritual prompting. God says write, so I write. There’s a greater purpose to it all, even if I can’t see it yet.

I wrote this for you.

“Not According to Plan: Becoming whole without a husband and other unexpected paths” will be released by October 20.