If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I did a lot of stuff in 2020. From playing music again, to writing a book, and more. A lot of projects. But if you read between the lines, you saw what was really happening…
In January I fell into a deep depression—the deepest of my life—but gratefully started feeling better by mid-February. But then, COVID. Because we didn’t know much about the virus—and I’m sure that we are still learning more about it all the time—I chose to be safer rather than sorry. I followed all social distancing recommendations. I didn’t get closer than 6 feet away from any person for almost 7 weeks. It was tough.
Work was also tough. At the beginning of the year, I was in a position that required me to meet with different business owners. Obviously that became more difficult with the pandemic. My contract position ended at the end of June, and then it was just hard to find another job. I went from reduced hours to no job. Because it was a contracted position, I didn’t qualify for unemployment. And to be honest, toward the end of the year, I was hesitant to look for jobs in the region as I began to think seriously about moving…I just didn’t know where to yet.
I was so productive this year both because I needed to be for my mental health, but also just because I had a lot of time on my hands. Others were working full time jobs or caring for loved ones and I was just…alone. Nearly 24/7. (Plus Felix the cat in June).
I didn’t have a reason to wake up in the morning. And I say that not in a super depressed way, but in a neutral way—there was just nothing and no one commanding my attention. I eventually recognized that I was using creativity, productivity, and accomplishment to fill a void***. I don’t think that’s very healthy—seeking external accomplishment and validation—but it was working, and I knew it was just for a season.
Now, the seasons are changing, and I am so grateful.
While I’m very proud of all that I created and accomplished this year, I’m so eager to move to a city where I will be so close to family, and people who might as well be family. To be in a city and home that, I anticipate, will feel like the sweetest exhale. To actually have a reason to wake up in the morning.
***I want to quickly note that while I recognize that my creativity and productivity were filling a void, I feel like I received inspiration for each of my big projects this year: I had the recurring thought to start writing my book back in March; while I was trying to uplift with my podcast at the start of the pandemic, I felt another recurring nudge to begin teaching yoga again, to use my skills for good in that way; …but I think the music was just a fun project. 🙂
A few weeks ago I had a realization that while I had the opportunity to work on many personal projects this year, next year is going to be about how I can help others with their projects. I already have a couple projects lined up and I feel so grateful and excited to be a part of them.
It’s been interesting to suddenly push pause on my own projects. Each time a personal project idea comes to my mind, I immediately tuck the idea away for later without a second thought. This is exactly where I’m meant to be. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I am grateful for 2020, and I feel excited, peaceful, and hopeful for everything to come.
P.S. My latest article for Healthy Humans Project is about developing resilience for 2021. It’s a topic that has defined much of my year, and one that I care a lot about.